I was running a booth at a faire this past weekend and had a man approach me in a very aggressive, threatening manner. Shaking and looking at me with wild eyes, he was leaning over the table at me and asking me why myself and everyone else was judging him. This was a man whom I hardly knew, and he was holding on to a time I had been at the beach and had not acknowledged him by saying hello. The truth for me, which I shared with him, was that I strongly felt at that time that he was wanting his own space and I was simply respecting that. By other words he used, I could tell also that he did not feel I was suited to being a life coach and was testing me.

Staying calm and ready for him to swing, I tuned into what needs he was looking to meet with me. According to Human Needs Psychology, we all have 6 Basic Human Needs. Certainty, Uncertainty/Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth, and Contribution. By his words and body language, I could tell he needed Connection/Love and some Certainty. This is often how fights begin, where the Connection is met physically & verbally through violence & where Certainty is met in an outright confrontation of force and domination.

I told him I would be completely honest with him (meeting his need for Certainty) and said that what we see in the world is what we see in ourselves. I wasn't sure how this would land, but I kept eye contact with him and opened to him (Connection/Love).

He agreed with this, however it took about another 10 minutes of communication until he finally began to integrate and accept that he was judging people too. I could see it helping him when I admitted that I judged people and that, in fact, we all do.

He was feeling shut out and separate from the world around him and I could see he just wanted to be included. He was very angry that people were in their "cliques" and were not letting him in. I explained that this is the way we are raised from day 1. As kids we are asked, "Who is your best friend? We all find our groups ... not only does this bring us together, but it causes separation, as well.

I asked him, "How often do you find yourself feeling aggressive and how many fights do you get into?"

This struck a chord for him and he really thought about this one. "Hmmm, that's a good question," he replied.

He began to breathe more evenly. At one point, as he came down from his aggression, I walked around the table and offered him a hug. He gratefullly accepted. We met eye to eye and I asked him what he saw in my eyes now (before he only saw judgement). He said, "Love," and began to cry.

I could see now that he needed to get outside of his head and find something that he could connect to in a positive way. He had been focusing on the world in a overwhelmingly sensitive way and had been taking things very personally. He also had been judging those around him intensely, and thus himself, as well. I asked him what was bigger than him that was now going to cause him to step up in his life and do what he needed to do (Contribution). He said, with tears in his eyes,"My daughter."

We parted in peace, both transformed by the power of coaching, empathy and a willingness to hear and be heard.

I saw him later that day and he was a completely different man ... smiling, happy, with his daughter, and connected to the world around him in a whole new way.

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